My Body... in a Bikini

So I went away for a long weekend and it started out great with a celebration for me. Of course after 48 hours the old anxieties started to creep in and I have to say – it was a stressful weekend for me. Hanging out in my bathing suit around certain people knowing I have gained weight and not wanting them to see my pain – of not being able to accept my self the way I am and not care what others think- and why? Well, this has been my struggle since I was 14 years old...

I remember it came with a director threatening to ax me from a play if I didn't loose the weight I'd gained – and so it began. The painful comments I have received from that person really seeped into my need for approval - who I wished had said “your beautiful. Period.” However, now I know it is up to me to say that to me, no one else.

Thankfully enough I am working on emotional boundaries so that person doesn't harm how I feel about my body. It's still painful though when it happens so I am working on that. But I did make a stand this past weekend. Yea me. And when that person commented on another persons flaws I stood up for them. I did not accept their demand that I back down. And it felt good – a little nerve wracking, but good. I will feel beautiful and luscious in my body, whatever I wear! I won't let them or society say I have to look a certain way to get approval. Fuck that.

It's interesting cause this person in particular who caused me so much anxiety about showing my body is not in the greatest shape themselves. It reminds me of a friend long ago with anorexia who was a huge bully to others as a way to take the magnifying glass off herself – I get it. And it is (literally) food for thought.

So can I offer compassion to this person who is is judgmental towards me and others? Can I not take whatever they say personally knowing that's their shit and not mine? I mean, who cares if they don't like my pants, my body, my hair, my suit – they don't have to wear them! And that's it! And that my friend is a great emotional boundary. Wish me luck!