Put Yourself first & feel better
  • Psychotherapy & Free Resources
  • Kelly Alexander
  • Contact & Sessions

Reflections

If you don't like what I say, that's no problem, because I do.

6/29/2015

0 Comments

 
Picture
So last night I listened to a session I recorded with a star chart reader 3 years ago. It blew my mind. First, I had internalized some of the learnings I'd had all those years ago but second, some of the stuff that I missed from that talk I am working on right now: Emotional Boundaries.

Now what the heck are those I thought. Seriously. I know personal and professional boundaries and feel I have done well working with those but an emotional boundary – WTH

For example: A past boss tells me “good job!” and I am over the moon with pride. This is not a great emotional boundary because in the next moment he tells me “nothing you do is good enough though” and I come crashing down. It's a roller coaster. And why? Because my emotions are pinging and ponging all over the place in regards to someone elses opinion of me. And that's baloney to feel good or bad about myself based on someone elses opinion.

Think about a parent. Mom says “wow, you look good in that dress” and you feel great. In the next moment she says “oh...but your hair, and makes a disapproving face” and you freak out inside “what about my hair?!” In the span of 5 seconds you have soared to great heights only to drop hundreds of feet in self-esteem because your mom has disapproved of you. Emotionally that is like a tiny death of self approval.

So how do I stop soaring and dropping? Well, yesterday was a challenge for me as I was working with a person who was not being their usual cheerful self. As per my 'default programming' I went into cheerleader mode until I realized them feeling bad and then me feeling bad is a signal my emotional boundaries are at square one.

So I started to do my own thing, leaving them to honour their pain and working at not taking it on and of course not having it taken out on me. It was a challenge. By the time they left I felt emotionally frazzled but at one point when they tried to control my feelings I shot back with a 'get a grip.' I wasn't taking their controlling nature for me to 'behave' and say things in a way they approved of, I'm a pretty good person if I do say so myself.

I am now working at saying “Accept me as I am (rain dancing and swearwords and all) or accept that I won't be in your life much as I am not going to change into the perfect/fake/stepford woman when I am around you.” Or, if you become great at emotional boundaries you can be around that person who is trying to control you with their mood or actions and when they say “don't say that” or “I don't like that” and you can say “that's ok. I do.” and know them not liking that is their shit not yours. Yea, I swore, you heard it. But I still like me and that's what counts.  
Picture
0 Comments

    Archives

    July 2016
    February 2016
    December 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    February 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • Psychotherapy & Free Resources
  • Kelly Alexander
  • Contact & Sessions